It’s High Time Someone Said It
I am a Trans Male and I fit NOWHERE
What does it mean to be a Man? What IS a MAN anyway?
I am Bradley, the author of this story. It wasn’t always so you know. At one time I was a Lesbian, having lived a lesbian life for 57.5 years. I tried to be straight, even got married once to try to deny my nature as life was not as enjoyable or risk-free for a Lesbian as it is nowadays. At one time, anytime you were outside of your own home — you had to mind the contrived lies you developed, that you designed to protect yourself, your job, your life. You couldn't show affection to your partner in public. Even staring lovingly into one another’s eyes was risky.
Now I am a Transmale. One year into transition. Sure I can now enjoy intimacy in public, kissing holding hands, that kind of thing. There is a trade-off though. I have experienced more backlash and hate than I ever did as a woman/Lesbian/Tomboy, and oddly it comes from women I once knew. These women were/are straight/CIS, and or Lesbian. To them, both consciously and unconsciously, I am a traitor. Apparently now, and literally, as they see it, their nemesis unless they are sexually attracted to me, or my equal, otherwise they see a male and treat me that way. Whether it is pleasant or not depends on Whether they have wounds from patriarchy or not, and most still do…, unfortunately. As a result, all the good and kind males get to bear the sins of all those before us that were not. You know, I got to experience that abuse from men too. This story is not a negative narrative, more is it to be a victim, it points to deeper broader views, and some things that need to be brought to light that everyone may not be aware of, so bear with me.
Things that were once interpreted as caring and loving, are suddenly interpreted as mansplaining or condescending and what I intend is not what is perceived. People see me how they are, not as I am. All because I LOOK different than I once did. It is unfortunate that how we look has a large bearing on how others see us and judge us, second guess us. The person whose eyes see a man has no idea that I lived a life as a female, or that I have a deeper understanding of males and females than most ever will. Even if they did know I lived as a female, somehow it escapes their conscious mind all of the sudden. Little do they know that if they would but confide and be themselves outside of any role, it could be a very beneficial and rewarding encounter or friendship. One that could improve all the relationships they have for the rest of their lives.
How ironic that others believe I deserve what they dole out in harsh and unkind words when they do not even know me? Those that knew me as a female will be hard-pressed to know me today because what I knew then and what I know now has changed me. ALL OF ME. Except for my own Creed. Often it has me wondering if there is any side to belong on or to? If there is any one place I fit in with. Turns out the women won’t have me, the lesbians don’t want me. I can’t speak for the men and I can’t speak for the women and I can’t even be their go-between where they fail one another, all because they are biased and prejudiced and have their own ideas about things they couldn’t possibly know for sure.
I remember when I was interested in spirituality and how once I was outside of that, I could see things others were blinded to with regards to spirituality and the potential self-imposed pitfalls and traps within it. Having lived as female and now as male, I can see from the other side what I once thought I knew as a female and what I once thought I knew about males. I understand both far better than I ever anticipated, and I wasn’t looking to do either., I just wanted to transition. These insights were by-products by default, nothing more. Yet they are the most valuable, and in the same breath sufferable things, I can think of. It hurts me, I won’t lie. It hurts to want to reach out and help ease the lots in life that both women and men are given, yet I am unable to because neither will accept that I could possibly help. My kind of people was called two-spirit amongst my Cherokee family. We were valuable simply because we could do either sex's requirements for the most part and also knew more about both sexes offering sound counsel that saved relationships and gave a different view of reality.
I am not one to wallow or be a victim. Sometimes I confuse the potential to be that with allowing myself to feel. I realized today that it is ok for me to feel this way, that It's sad. I am sad. I lost my friends. My way of life. Where I could feel I belonged all because of unjust judgments and opinions, closed minds. The world needed to spit me out one door so I would be able to enter another. You can’t build new with old things. And yes, I gained transitioning so that I could feel like myself and whole for the first time ever in my whole life. The trade-off is painful when it is done later in life. There are more things going on than meets the eye, for example, I didn’t get to go through puberty as a male so I could inherently belong. I don’t often know what is expected of me as a male that I would have known had I been able to grow up this way instead of being born intersex and having the female version of me chosen for me without my consent. It can be tense. It can feel insecure and it can be difficult to just leave your house without being on guard so that you act correctly, speak correctly, give women the right of way constantly so that you remember you aren’t allowed to converse anymore and are expected to just be the quiet bystander around other women. What was once permissible as a female, i.e staring at other women’s outfits, make-up, approaching their child and making over them, touching when talking, hugging when greeting or leaving, getting excited over things that aren’t manly enough are all taboo now. It’s OK, I get that neither sex has it made. NEITHER ONE. And we both suffer that. Men that are gentlemen have just learned to let it be, as they recognize the wounds of women, but they also suffer the anger from them.
Yes, there are entitlements both sexes enjoy. Whether women realize it or not, they have a LOT of entitlements, but they want all the ones they do not yet have. Men have entitlements, most of them, but again, NOT ALL of the ones they would like to have. This battle is no different than any other repressed sect of society. It seems obvious that ALL HUMAN BEINGS deserve the same things, whatever those are should they choose to partake of them or not. It’s not a black/white/red/yellow/brown thing. It’s a people thing. What pains me is that IT DOES NOT SEEM AS OBVIOUS TO OTHERS AS IT DOES TO ME.
There is a hierarchy whether we want there to be or not, and these terms below apply to women AND men alike. It isn’t that I condone nor agree with any hierarchy, but if we are being reasonable and logical, we cannot help but come to the fact that everything is not equal nor will it ever be. There are obvious differences, and there are things that work and things that don’t. I once knew a woman that felt that there shouldn’t be ANY hierarchy ladder for business. Guess what happened? Total chaos and people blaming one another for things that they thought the other was going to do that never got done and indecision about everything so that nothing got done but a whole lot of drama, arguing, and the eventual demise of the entire project because nothing could progress and was constantly being undermined precisely because there was NO hierarchy. Our place in the world, and how we are can always move and change, but the fact is, we must have a place in order to know how to function and what is expected at that time, otherwise we flounder, just like a pack of animals would without the leader. A leader doesn’t push and shove, they nudge and groom. Tyrannical behavior is not necessary to lead, in fact, a great leader serves their pack or tribe so that all have what they need to perform their particular function until they are ready to change their position in the pack, tribe or more to the point, our own reality in relation to the world.
I don’t think it is about hierarchy so much as attitude and condescending behaviors. Sigmas don’t operate the way Alphas do. Alphas use force and are condescending and more that are all harmful except to those that need to find a thicker skin to survive IF they survive the Alphas ways and methods. Everything is more about behavior, respect, and responsibility and very little about much else if we really look. Toxic masculinity falls into the Alpha mentality, and as with all negatives, the opposite exists to balance it and is only useful if we employ them.
This is a good link to explore the different types https://brandongaille.com/male-alpha-beta-gamma-omega-delta-sigma/
Please be aware that this is not about wolf packs or primates or animals or whether the terms are accurate as it pertains to either. this is about humans and all the analogies, or definitions pertain to just that.
I am a Sigma Male. I realized in life that if we do not choose our own narrative, then one will be chosen for us. If we do not have our own Creed to live by and hold ourselves to, then anything can happen and usually, confusion and chaos are the results. It’s not about the narrative or the definition so much as having an outline to operate by in order to realize a goal. In this case, we are personally that outline. Without one, everything bleeds out into everything else and we have no idea who we are or what we stand for. If we don’t stand for something, we stand nowhere at all, and that creates apathy, lack of action, and procrastination. I often see in Trans Male groups that they struggle to find firm footing, and though this article is only part of the solution, it can be helpful. It isn’t about sexuality as I have said, it applies to all humans not just gender. In this case, my frame of reference is primarily male as I can speak from my own point of view or position in life, which is present, male gender.
As much as I despise titles, labels, and definitions, I realize they are necessary to communicate and understand whatever we are dealing with or looking at. It’s necessary to take this little side trip before I can continue, just to be clear. In our LGBTQIA communities labels are …shall we say, well, there is no shortage of them. We can want things to be whatever way we want them to be, but that does not mean they will magically just change to our liking. Sometimes we have to strive to understand why they exist in the first place. Seldom are things done for no reason. Understanding the reason allows us to understand the behaviors and psyche of those that put them there to begin with. Understanding that means that we can then determine whether they are actually useful, despite our initial opinion, or not. If not, then we can proceed to determine how it can be done better, and whether it should even be changed or not.
I used to be a Sigma Female even though I was male inside, my form appeared female. Still, there are Females just as sigma as any male. There are also Alpha females that are stronger than any man I ever met. But they aren’t referred to as Alphas or Sigma, they are referred to as bitches,by both sexes, unfortunately.
Today I realized I will never fit in, I will never belong, and I will continuously be ostracized for it. I will never be accepted as either male or female and it is apparent in hindsight that it was never intended that I should be. Often our biggest suffering is not realizing what seems like a curse is actually a gift. After 57 years of trying to belong, I finally embraced that my job is to stand on the fringe of all things, all beliefs, and rules, precisely where I should be standing, and for all the right reasons. Sigmas are not rebels or anarchists. We are Sigmas pure and simple. To know us, you must observe us long and hard. We are the example, not the boaster. Our ideals have been lived not imagined.
There is no greater achievement that one can have in life than to become the person that they were born to be as non-conforming. The one who conforms will judge the one that does not and all that he stand for, a sin, all the while making their own lives of mediocrity a virtue.~Maxell Jordan
I once played small, doing a great disservice to myself and by default those around me. I found dignity, integrity, and virtue in being a non-conformist. History has changed for the better, permanently because of the non-conformist Sigma. Those of us that walk our own path as our own person we were born to be. We tread new paths, dare to voice what others are afraid to.
It’s the Sigmas that distance themselves from society because he or she will not be chained to a system that keeps them, prisoner.
Sigmas can be trusted because they don’t seek to belong, and are without fear of being abandoned so they don't do morally irrepressible things. Strong men lift up , weak men tear down. Our morals are not black and white, and life has no moral objectives because there simply aren’t any. There is no philosophical wrong or right, nor evil and good, everything is a myriad of gray, requireing discernment. We Sigmas do the correct thing even without laws because we must live up to our own integrity rather than anyone elses. We covet self discipline and act alone.
We do not give up — We learn to continue to improve ourselves on the path we alone are walking, the unbeaten one.~Maxwell Jordan
Living as a female it was difficult to stand firmly anywhere on anything. As a male, I can make a stand if I am willing to own it and live up to it, and because I am allowed to, I can. As a female, I was not allowed. I am despised now primarily because I can now do what a woman cannot no matter how hard she tries. That is not my euphoria, rather it is my bane. It is unfortunate that a woman may hold positions but she cannot ever experience reverential respect for that position she holds while she holds it, she will always have to prove herself 3 x more than a male. Right or wrong, it is the way of things. As one rancher said: Women do 3 x the work and eat 3 times less than males. In life, she works 3 times harder for less pay even today in many jobs. These ways will never change as long as we are at odds with one another. As long as the Alphas of the world never takes heed from the Sigmas (male or female) on the fringe of what is next that works better for all concerned.
Most will always see me as they seem themselves. OR they will see me as a threat to their ways, their self-esteem, their intelligence, and their sense of knowing. Most will always take my gifts and see them as coercions, or tricks, gimmicks, or lies. UNLESS you are READY for real change, then, you will see the truth and you will learn from me, even if you were the one that taught me. , and if I have done my job, you will surpass me and teach me as well.
Repression still exists after all these centuries. The Formula and solution is simple. If it is a human, they all want and deserve the same things, just as all eagles require the same things to live and thrive If it’s an eagle then give it what it needs. If it’s a human give it what it needs, if it is a dog, give it what it needs. Anything less is severe disrespect. And by God, if you have what is necessary for another to thrive and you withhold it? You are in keeping with all the ugly abhorrent things in the world. YOU are the evil.
For Sigmas — others will either grow in spite of us, or because of us, but at least there is a progression that benefits the many rather than the few. We are the check-mate, the thermometer, the harmonizer. It’s kind of sad though. Being on the front line is often a lonely place. Solitude is the name of the game often, even in the presence of a crowd.
Sigmas know that true knowledge exists in the knowledge that we know nothing. Because we understand that in the grander scheme of things we are still ignorant. In this way we look, we listen and we learn in order to know. In this way, we allow what we see and hear to show us what is needed and then proceed to make it so. We don’t need anyone to justify our choices and We don’t have an ego big enough to need to agree or to tell you what you should do. We can only point the way. YOU must decide to take it.
Alphas make the rules. Sigmas break the ones that simply don’t work. Everyone else is just trying to decide whether they want the easy road and coast along, to ride on a coattail, help a coattail, or to take the risks that bring greater rewards. None of those are wrong unless they don’t fit you. I don’t fit into any box. There are always trade-offs with change. They may not feel good, but they are still a part of life. I acknowledge they are present, think them through and then make my peace with them and move on. It’s the only way to sanity and the only way to thrive. Clarity is peace of mind. You want Clarity, you have to have that before anything else can be clear. This means stopping the lies we tell ourselves about ourselves and others. It means to stop assuming and to start learning.
I AM ME. WE ARE US. EVERYTHING IS. That is the sum of the parts.
We were never asked by life to be anything but what we are. When we are that, we fit by default in the tapestry of life by default. We were never meant to fit in, we were meant to stand out,to be different. Our differences have always been our evolution. We don’t have to belong anywhere because we belong wherever we are when we are there.
Maxwell Jordan’s story inspired me to quote him and include things that inspired me in this writing. You can find his stories and the link to the story that inspired me — here: https://medium.com/way-of-the-sigma-male
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